#25: Abandon.
Never abandon yourself.
Abandon (verb): to cease to support or look after someone or oneself.
It is all too easy to abandon ourselves, especially in the midst of motherhood when we have repeatedly been taught that motherhood is selfless work. But I have spent the past few years trying to switch the narrative, pushing at the edges of societal expectations and encouraging women to pursue the life they imagined for themselves, not in spite of but because of their kids.
I believe in Self-ish mothering, mothering from a place of fullness of self rather than the other way around. Helping women to identify and prioritize their own wants and needs and empowering them to know and understand themselves both inside and outside of motherhood.
I believe we find ourselves in others and I have always held a deep curiosity when it comes to women and their individual experiences navigating life, work, and motherhood. I believe it is our stories that connect us, that soften the edges, that help us feel less alone. I am thrilled to introduce Self-ish Stories, an interview series designed to bringing women together through storytelling.
I believe that stories have the ability to change lives because they changed mine. My own story was rewritten after countless conversations with other mothers who had reinvented themselves in the midst of motherhood. Long before I found the courage to transform my life, I went in search of women who had reinvented themselves and started asking them honest questions. I wanted to know how they rebuilt their lives? I needed to know what allowed them to push through the hurdles and obstacles and roadblocks to come out the other side? I was deeply curious about the support they had or more importantly what support they had been missing?
It was these conversations that ultimately pushed me onto my new path, through countless conversations I heard the same story repeated time and time again. So many careers had been altered or even lost upon welcoming kids, so many women had bravely paved a different path forward, so many women were still figuring it out much like myself.
These women, whether they know it or not, gave me permission to begin again. I held on to each story as I pushed past my own fears, failures, self doubt, and eventually heartbreak. Which has led me here, once again leaning into stories and exploring my own curiosities around life and work and motherhood in hopes they spark something in you. I hope these stories offer you a glimpse into other women’s lives so that you can embrace your own, consider this an opportunity to connect to yourself through other women’s words. Enjoy!
Image captured by Amy Thompson Brand Photography.
I had the opportunity to sit down with Courtney Gaiman of Bow and Bestow, a small business gifting concierge and mom of two boys. Our conversation started with her own question, ‘How did I arrive here?’ and continued with her own ahas and light bulb moments. She shared her experience leaving the career she had built in order to pursue motherhood full-time before eventually launching her own gifting business mid-pandemic.
Courtney shared how choosing herself and her young family in those early years of motherhood, meant leaving behind a career she had worked hard to secure in an effort to not abandon herself. This one decision, while difficult at first, changed the trajectory of her life.
Pre-kids, when her original career path didn’t feel quite right, Courtney went in search of something else and a chance encounter with a fairy godmother of sorts helped her stumble upon the work she believed she was meant to do. She received her Master’s degree in Child development and became a professionally certified Child Life Specialist, working in the pediatric hospital setting and helping young patients and their families navigate their most difficult moments.
She described this work as deeply fulfilling but equally depleting, most days she barely had enough energy to drag herself home at the end of the day. It wasn’t until becoming a mother that she realized she would not be able to be the person, partner, and mother she wanted to be if she continued on this career path.
One month before her maternity leave ended she unexpectedly decided to ‘stay-home’ for a bit. She expressed how this decision left her feeling like a failure as she wondered why she had worked so hard to obtain her master’s degree and pursue this career path only to eventually quit. But when faced with the decision to choose her career or herself, she ultimately chose herself and her young family.
Her time at home snowballed when she found out she was pregnant with her second son. While staying home she day-dreamed about her ideal career and her vision for her life, one that included flexibility to be available for her family, autonomy and ownership over her time and her work, and creativity that she had not experienced in her previous position.
She described her own shift from calling herself a ‘stay-at-home mom’ to a ‘work-at-home mom.’ She shared how her and one of her best friends exchange texts reminding each other of their individual accomplishments and making sure they each feel seen while carrying the heavy load of motherhood.
While ‘working-at-home,’ she continued to feel the tug to carve out more time for herself and her own ambitions, but was fairly certain her ‘daydream’ didn’t exist. It was her husband who eventually encouraged her to take her love of gifting to the next level by starting her own business.
She described herself as a type-A overachiever who loves having a blueprint along with both short-term and long-term plans in place. Starting a business was the exact opposite of all of those things, as it does not come with a blueprint and our best laid business plans often shift over time, but she realized it would award her the flexibility, autonomy, and creativity she had been longing for.
She eventually pushed past her own reservations and launched her dream business mid-pandemic. The work she did in supporting families as a Child Life Specialist helped her to recognize the importance of supporting one another throughout life’s highs and lows. She connected the dots between who she once was and who she ultimately wanted to be and now she helps others celebrate milestones and cope during difficult times, which comes naturally to her.
She said she still gets butterflies when she receives an inquiry and shared that she has a folder on her computer that holds all of the positive feedback she has received, as a reminder that her work matters since running a small business often comes without the acknowledgement or the accolades we regularly receive in more structured settings.
We talked about the importance of listening to ourselves while simultaneously cheering each other on. We continued the conversation and discussed the importance of not undervaluing ourselves and our work and she shared a personal story of her son Everett’s ‘declaration’ of her job, his words were ‘Mama is a gift-giver.’ Perfectly simple and surprisingly insightful for a 5 year old.
It is easy to hide behind our roles, especially when we are trying to explain what we do or what our work might be. We both commiserated about those awkward moments when someone asks, ‘what do you do’ at a party or during small talk. Those cringe worthy moments when we play small and write away our self-worth because our job title does not match societal expectations. We both agreed that the questions we should be asking each other should include ‘how are you?’ rather than ‘what do you do?’ Defining ourselves as more than our job titles or the roles we play.
“I will not stay, not ever again - in a room or conversation or relationship or institution that requires me to abandon myself.” - Glennon Doyle
One thing that stuck out was her reference to the Glennon Doyle quote, ‘don’t abandon yourself.’ It is so easy to ignore our own wants and needs while prioritizing everyone and everything else, but we both agreed that identifying and reaching for our own goals changed ours lives in the best possible way. She imaged sharing this story with her boys when they are older, and how it might give them a glimpse into how she ultimately made the decision not to abandon herself in those first years of motherhood.
When I asked her what she wished women talked about more she expressed a desire for more open and heartfelt conversations around mental health. Removing the stigma and speaking openly about overwhelm and anxiety, etc. Something so many of us struggle with.
I am beyond grateful for the time we spent together, for honest conversations, and for the insight Courtney has so freely shared. You can learn more about Courtney and her work on her website or follow along on instagram.
If you have a story you would like to share or would like the chance to be featured in the Self-ish Stories Series, simply hit reply and introduce yourself!