#28: Titles.

We are so much more than our titles.

Prior to having kids, I would’ve described myself as a corporate overachiever as I spent over a decade reaching for the next rung on the never ending corporate ladder, ceaselessly pushing myself and wearing whatever title my employer would award me next, rarely pausing to ask myself if any of these titles were truly a good fit. Back then, I mostly ‘identified’ with my career and the recognition I received because of it.

Then I had kids and quickly realized I was no longer just one thing, my identity as an overachieving career professional was suddenly in direct opposition with my identity as a new mom. The harder I pushed myself in my career, the worse I felt about myself a mother. The more I mothered, the worse I felt about my work. I was quite literally torn between work and motherhood, and I found myself grasping to keep my pre-kids identity intact while trying (and failing) to do it all.

Nearly two years of postpartum depression ensued before I eventually left my corporate career and the identity I had built for myself behind to embrace my new role as stay at home mom; a title I truthfully never aspired to hold and one I never actually identified with, despite holding it on and off for many years.

I loved being more available for my kids, appreciated feeling less torn, and finally felt like my head was above the clouds, but I longed for uninterrupted breaks and adult conversation. I didn’t miss my work exactly, but I missed the independence and the paycheck and the autonomy it awarded me. More than anything I missed being able to easily explain ‘who I was’ because while I was undoubtably a mom, I longed to be more.

I will never forget the day I overheard another mom on the preschool playground explaining that she wasn’t ‘just a mom’ and in that moment my heart split in two. Was I ‘just a mom’ and if so, was this why I was so damn uncomfortable? In that moment, I committed to changing my life and decided that I wanted to be part of the solution for other mothers similarly torn between work and motherhood.

I ultimately stayed home with my kids long enough to know I didn’t want to stay home with my kids, but by then, returning to my corporate career was no longer an option - not because my position was filled but because I had outgrown that version of my life, that version of myself.

I began the long and arduous process of starting over and went in search of other mothers who had reinvented themselves in the midst of motherhood to help find my own way. It was these conversations that ultimately gave me the permission and the perspective I needed to pick a different path and despite some serious hurdles and roadblocks, I haven’t looked back.

I heard the same stories repeated as more and more women shared who they were pre-kids and who they were now, so many careers had been altered and even lost, so many women were bravely paving a different path forward, so many women still figuring it out much like myself.

These women helped me find the strength and determination to dig myself out of ‘staying home,’ an accomplishment in and of itself, and I went on to launch my dream business designed to support other mothers in pursuing work in the midst of motherhood. I had a whole new identity and was damn proud of the work I was doing, but I still couldn’t settle on a title that seemed to fit.

I mostly certainly did not identify as a ‘mom boss’ had zero intentions of referring to myself as a CEO, didn’t love the title of ‘entrepreneur’ and eventually settled on ‘founder’ which felt ambiguous enough, but where did my role as mother fit in? Even though I had started a business and created a new title and identity for myself, my role as mom never truly changed.

Image taken by Captured Happiness

I was still the primary caregiver for my kids whenever they were not in school, which included plenty of sick days and short days and school holidays. I built a co-working space with on-site childcare so that my kids could accompany me to work when necessary, but shortly thereafter the pandemic hit, and I was once again responsible for my kids full time while simultaneously scrambling to save my business. All that hard work and I was still torn between work and motherhood.

In each of the Self-ish Stories I recently published, the women shared their own experience and frustration with the title of ‘stay at home mom.’ While each of us have held that title on and off over the years, none of us felt that it accurately captured the work that we were doing or who we truly are.

Courtney described her own shift from calling herself a ‘stay-at-home mom’ to a ‘work-at-home mom’ because while technically she was ‘home’ she was most certainly ‘working.’ Alex expressed her own frustration around the title of ‘stay at home mom’ and shared how identifying as such often left feeling deeply insecure. And Chelsea admitted that part of her decision to launch her own business while simultaneously mothering two young girls was motivated by her own realization that a piece of herself was dormant while she was ‘staying home’ with her girls.

These conversations left me wondering how many other women feel much of the same. How many other women feel torn between work and motherhood? How many other women feel trapped by a title that doesn’t exactly fit? How many other women feel held back by a position that works for everyone but themselves? How many other women find themselves ‘staying home’ while silently wishing that things could be a different? How many other women find themselves working while silently wishing they could be ‘staying home?’

This is where my curiosity lies, these are the conversations I want to have, these are the stories I want to tell. Highlighting the choices women have to make and bridging the gap between ‘working’ and ‘staying home’ while encouraging women to stay true to themselves.

I am currently editing a story about a mother who always wanted to ‘stay home’ even though that option wasn’t available for her. She speaks to the disappointment she felt in letting that version of herself fade.

All this to say that we are so much more than the work that we do, the titles we wear, and the choices we make. I have yet to meet a mother who is ‘just one thing’ and if I could find that other mother on the preschool playground now, I would give her a hug for helping me to recognize the hidden and trapped parts of myself that were longing to break free, I would thank her for helping me find my way.

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