While nobody knows this besides me, March marks the self-imposed deadline I set for the first draft of my forthcoming book. You might remember that I committed to writing a book right here on Substack way back in October. While I didn’t mention it at the time, I gave myself a March draft deadline; convinced that if I could just commit and show up for it then perhaps the words would take shape in the 180 days I had allocated. I typically write between 1000-2000 words per day which would produce a rough draft of approximately 180-360k words, which felt like it was well within my wheelhouse.
Despite committing and continuously writing for the past 6 months, completing this book continues to elude me and the words taking shape hardly equate to the first draft I had imagined. Writing a book is hard, exceptionally hard. And it also comes with very little validation, no pats on the back or progress reports. It is mostly a solo act, a fight against myself and my own inner will to get my words onto the page, a commitment to figure out exactly what it is I actually want to say. It is also worth noting that this particular book is not attached to any form of advanced payment and therefore takes a backseat to the paid work I need and the childrearing I willingly do for free.
The amount of times I have decided and dedicated myself to the process of writing this book is somewhat hilarious as I have started and stopped writing this book more times than I can actually count. I typically get about a quarter of the way in and then feel an overwhelming need to flee. I write tens of thousands of words and pour story after story onto the page before turning to run the other way toward safety.
I know this book is inside of me, I can actually feel it attempting to break free, the only problem is me. I cannot figure out how to push past my own self-doubt, my own self-sabotage, my own self-limiting beliefs. Which is ironic because this is what I offer my coaching clients. Coaxing other women toward their own desires, helping other women overcome their own fears, guiding women past their own roadblocks, leading women back to themselves comes easily for me, but it all seems to fail the minute I turn the magnifying glass onto myself.
To be human is wildly complex. But I know two things to be true:
This book wants to be written.
This book will not write itself.
Truth be told, sharing my desire on Substack last October and committing to this daily word count was one of a million attempts I have made to try and bring this idea to life. And I have countless truly terrible first drafts to show for it, dozens of different versions of me plus pages upon pages that are vastly incomplete - a chapter here, an introduction there. Anne Lamott once said, “almost all good writing begins with terrible first drafts,” and I am choosing to believe this to be true.
Writing this book is without a doubt my biggest fear and this is how I know that I must face it. But the more I fight to bring this particular dream to life, the more I try to write, the more resistance I feel. Steven Pressfield once said, “If you are paralyzed with fear, it is a good sign. It shows you what you have to do.” And I am choosing to believe this too. I believe that conquering this one particular fear is perhaps the most important challenge I must face as this fear is very clearly blocking me from becoming the person I want to be.
I believe that conquering this one particular fear is perhaps the most important challenge I must face as this fear is very clearly blocking me from becoming the person I want to be.
My son recently saw a Post-It note upon which I had written my desire to write a best-selling book. I realize this is a stretch given my own inability to get said book out into the world and yet, his eyes lit up in a way I hadn’t yet seen. He couldn’t quite believe that I wanted to be an author, that I aimed to have my own words published inside of an actual book. And he promptly turned to me to ask a handful of follow up questions:
Him: “Mom does that mean your book would be inside libraries”
Me: “Hopefully, but not the library at your school as I write for adults not kids.”
Him: “Okay but could we still go check it out from the regular library?”
Me: “With any luck.”
Him: “What about bookstores?”
Me: “The goal would be for the book to be sold in bookstores, but it is far too early to know if the book will be widely received or purchased by any bookstores, especially the bookstores we know and love.”
Him: “But what if it is, could we go there and buy it?”
Me: “ Yes of course sweetie.”
The very same day, I stumbled upon this quote from
in her book Class, “If my kid had faith, then maybe I could believe that someday I would sign my own book for people, too.” While I never meant for my son to stumble upon this Post-It note, he has since asked about my book multiple times. He has asked about my intended page count and then compared it to the length of the chapter books he reads, he has asked how many pages I’ve written so far, he has asked me if he will be allowed to read it someday. Will his belief and unwavering support of me be enough for me to finally create this thing?Just translating these conversations into written words brings me to tears. To see his excitement and belief is beyond anything I expected. He validated a desire and dream that I have been holding inside of me and just letting it out and letting him feel excited for something I cannot yet see reignited a passion that is burning inside of me. I hope that one day soon I can make that dream come true, I hope I can take him to the local library and to our favorite book stores to see my book in real life, a tangible representation of so many years of dreaming. Maybe him knowing that I am working on this thing will be enough to help me make that dream a reality. If for no other reason than not to let my son down, the same son who inspired the story in the first place.
Introducing Book-ish:
I have written about my love of books and words on numerous occasions. And I have been waffling on the idea of turning my love of books and writing and words into an offering right here on Substack. Then I stumbled upon this book at a local bookstore on one of my weekly Artist dates which confirmed the name of what that offering would eventually be.
Book-ish (adj): a person or way of life devoted to reading, writing, and words.
I did not actually know bookish was a real word until I saw this book and then googled the definition. But before that, as I struggled to complete my own first draft of my book, I kept thinking that it was becoming a “book-ish;” as in part of a book, or some semblance of a book, or almost a book. And it was only through exploring what book-ish meant to me, that I began to imagine a slightly different dream.
I have decided to publish my book right here to Substack, a non-conventional and unproven attempt at tricking my words onto the page. I have already spent years avoiding this idea, turning my back on this desire, determined to do anything but this. But the whispers keep coming, the voice in the back of my head continues to grow, the longing to create this one thing simply won’t quit. And this is how I know that this is how I know it is time to show up for it. Avoiding something only makes the longing stronger.
Avoiding something only makes the longing stronger.
Book-ish is an opportunity to share the process in real time, to peel back the curtain on what it actually takes to write a book, to offer you a glimpse behind the scenes. While this shouldn’t be particularly surprising to me as I did the same thing when building my first business, it shocks me just the same. I am not entirely sure why I want to share the most vulnerable parts of myself. But I have always been dedicated to sharing a different side of the story, offering a wholly incomplete and imperfect portrait of me.
For those of you that have been following along since the beginning, you may remember that I started my first business almost a full year before I secured my lease, and I brought woman along through all the ups and downs, from idea to execution, as I turned that dream into reality. And then I also shared the destruction and devastation that followed, the not so gradual undoing as my own brick and mortar business was torn down to the ground. I guess you could say I live for the messy middle and want to give voice to so much more than a glorified pretty picture.
And that is what Book-ish is, offering women an inside look at what it takes to actually write a book. You will get the chance to help me choose a title, and witness my many attempts at not sitting idle as I somehow coax this book out of me. You will also be the first to read all the chapters as I complete them. You will get to witness my imperfect work in progress.
I have no idea if this new strategy will work. I have no way of knowing if this book will be any good. I have no clue if I will be able to stick with the plan. But as I wrote back in October: “Let me clearly state that I am not writing a book because I want to be writing a book, I am writing a book because I have no choice in the matter. I am writing a book because this book wants to be written through me. I am writing a book because this unwritten book has been plaguing me. I am writing a book because this is the one thing I simply cannot not do.”
“Let me clearly state that I am not writing a book because I want to be writing a book, I am writing a book because I have no choice in the matter. I am writing a book because this book wants to be written through me. I am writing a book because this unwritten book has been plaguing me. I am writing a book because this is the one thing I simply cannot not do.”
And so, I find myself back at page one. While I might return to a previous drafts for a word or story or two, I believe the book that is trying to be born through me would be incomplete if I tried to salvage all of those other abandoned pieces. Below is my Book-ish dedication page, the page upon which this journey begins.
Going forward, paid subscribers get behind the scenes look and chapter previews plus personal essays designed to guide you on your own journey toward unlocking your own creative magic. While this post is available to all as an introduction of what’s to come, future Book-ish posts will be behind a paywall.
Below are the reasons behind this decision:
The goal of writing and publishing this draft on Substack is to eventually publish a book in real life and if you were to purchase a book, a cost would be associated with it. I am aiming to publish about a chapter a week which would produce a working first draft in roughly 3 months, at $5 per month a paid subscription would cover the cost of purchasing a paperback book in bookstores.
Writing a book is without a doubt my most vulnerable work and deep vulnerability and incomplete first drafts require a more gentle lens. Our best ideas often die before they ever come to life because one negative comment or someone else’s second guessing knocks us off the path. By putting this content behind a paywall, I hope to protect this project and my heart.
Because I am not yet paid to write this book, no forward advance is in the works, I often deprioritize this book that very clearly wants to be written through me. The addition of a paywall feels like an opportunity to trick myself into actually showing up for my words and for my paid subscribers who will be counting on me.
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The Latest Self/ish Posts:
#75 Words: Words are how I breathe.
#74 Connection: All the things that make us feel alone connect us.
#73 Vulnerable: Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take.
#72 Comparison: What if comparison is trying to deliver you back to yourself.
#71 Stay: Why staying home didn’t work for me.
#70 Mirrors: Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.
#69 Strength: May your struggles help you find your strength.
#68 Transformation: Change is inevitable, transformation is a choice.
#67 Incubate: All good things take time.
#66 Decide: One day or day one, you decide.
#65 Joy: Identify what brings you joy and choose that over everything else.
#64 Non-negotiables: Make time for the things that matter to (you).
Full archive here.
Writing a book is a whooole journey! Thank you for taking us with you on those initial stages where the book yells louder than our self-doubt! Can’t wait to see it come to fruition