We recently watched the movie Hook with our kids; in this 1990’s classic, Robin Williams plays the part of Peter Pan although he has forgotten who he is and where he comes from. Despite once singing and professing his desire to ‘never grow up,’ this version of Peter has grown up and traded in his playful and youthful ways for a demanding career that often comes at the expense of his family and most especially his relationship with his kids. When the infamous Captain Hook kidnaps his kids in the name of revenge, Peter must return to Neverland to defeat Hook and reunite his family.
In the end, success for Peter Pan is reconnecting with his past, reconnecting with his child-like self, reconnecting with his kids, reconnecting with his wife (Wendy’s daughter, Moira, because why not?!), and quite literally throwing his flip phone out the window; inferring that nothing is more important than them, most especially his work. While I watched this film repeatedly as a child, it took rewatching it as an adult to see the subtle and not so subtle references to achieving societal success and the impact it has on work-life balance.
For comparison sake, the original forever child-like Peter is the antithesis of societal success while Peter “Banning” in Hook’s version is by definition successful. And in rewatching and pondering the narrative captured throughout this movie, I began to question and analyze what we could all learn from Peter Pan. Our kids pointed out that we, as parents, rarely miss a baseball game while Peter Banning always does, which further solidified my desire to better understand success.
Success is a concept that has been heavily promoted and ingrained in our society, from a young age we are taught how to act and told what we should aspire to be and in most cases it is the exact opposite from young Peter. The messages are that we must grow up and attend school and achieve success, but what exactly is success?
Success (noun): Success is the accomplishment of a desired goal or purpose; the positive consequence of one’s own achievement.
Much like motherhood, success is entirely subjective and looks different for everyone. However, in our society it is often associated with obtaining fame, status, wealth, and/or power. Societies definition focuses almost entirely on external achievements and leaves little room for individual interpretations despite the fact that success does, in fact, vary from person to person.
The problem with society’s definition and subsequent obsession with success is that it creates an unhealthy mindset in which we prioritize our careers and accumulation of wealth, rather than checking in with ourselves. I spent years addicted to my own achievement, “successfully” climbing a corporate ladder that I had no business climbing, forever striving to reach the next well-worn rung but never feeling anywhere near satisfied.
I did not yet have any dependents so I could “freely” devote my time to this never-ending path leading me in the wrong direction, without feeling the pull toward something else. I could ignore my own misconceptions, push through my own burn out, and continue on rather unfazed because nobody was depending on me and sacrificing myself, in the name of my career, didn’t directly impact anyone else.
I could ignore my own misconceptions, push through my own burn out, and continue on rather unfazed because nobody was depending on me and sacrificing myself, in the name of my career, didn’t directly impact anyone else.
And then I had kids, and almost overnight things changed. My desire to grow my career was in direct opposition with the kind of parent I wanted to be. My previously narrow definition of success (adapted from societal narratives) created a pressure cooker situation where I had to be constantly climbing, achieving, and striving in order to keep my other feelings at bay. And the moment I chose to stand still, to limit my career growth in the name of motherhood, the cracks in my foundation were felt.
I was taught to be successful, but I was also taught that my value as a women, my career, my independence, and my mental health were less important than my children, which in turn led to some incredibly complicated feelings. The growth of my career came at the expense of my son and time spent with my son came at the expense of my career. The undeniable link between career and kids was far beyond anything I had expected and for the first time in my life, achieving societal success in the form of income and accolades, no longer matched the intrinsic success I was after.
The truth is, striving for societal success often leads people down the wrong path or towards a life they never wanted for themselves and, in turn, comes with massive trade-offs. For me, these trade-off’s were never more felt than in my own experience navigating work and new motherhood. I no longer cared about my external achievements or career growth as it was coming at the expense of my own mental health and my connection with my young son. When given the choice to grow my career or grow my connection to him, I chose him and in time learned to listen to and choose myself.
I removed myself from the never ending cycle of burn out and dissatisfaction and went in search of a truer and realer definition of success that would allow me to take into account all that truly mattered to me. Maya Angelou once said, “Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.” And while I completely agree, it took me far longer than I care to admit to unlock this version of success for myself.
We are taught that in order to get the most out of life we must be successful, but one person’s definition of success will differ wildly from another. For far too long, I measured my worth through my work. Convinced that if I could achieve the type of success society had defined for me then I could finally be pleased, then I could finally breathe. For me, it took losing nearly everything to find a completely different version of me.
Success is an inside job and we cannot apply a one-size-fits all approach or narrow definition to an increasingly complex problem. What works for some, most certainly won’t be true for others. And in my experience, one’s definition of success may change or vary post-kids. If success comes at the expense of the type of person you ultimately want to be, then how could it possibly be quantified as success? If Peter Banning’s success robbed him of his kids, then was he actually successful?
Below are a few of the reframes I have been working with:
Could the version of me that decided to take a career pause to be more available for my kids, in turn, be more successful than the version of me that repeatedly neglected herself in my ceaseless desire to achieve?
Could the version of me that decided to abandon my dream and accept failure, in turn, be more successful than the women who persistently pursued that dream in the first place?
Could the version of me that walks her kids to school and returns every afternoon shortly after 2, in turn, be more successful than the version of me that used to clock long hours at the office in an attempt to prove something to everyone else?
Could the version of me that writes words for free, in turn, be more successful than the 6 figure me?
Could the version of me that prioritizes real life connection over that of my phone, in turn, be more successful than the online version of me?
I have come to believe that the key to success is self-understanding; acquiring the knowledge of one’s own capabilities, feelings, and/or motivations in order to redefine success for oneself. Viewed through this lens, success is far more attainable and a lot more enjoyable than it might seem.
Redefining what it means to be successful could help alleviate some of the pressure mothers face, the unrealistic societal expectations and definitions rarely, if ever, bring us satisfaction or fulfillment. Societies narrow definition of success perpetuates the narrative that certain professions are more successful than others, all the while undervaluing the vast contributions mothers make. I truly believe you get to decide what success means for you, but that definition begins on the inside.
If you are looking to redefine or simply understand what success means to you, contact me.
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Full archive here.