#72: Comparison.

What if your comparison is trying to deliver you back to yourself.

Feb 12, 2024

We live in an attention seeking economy which means our collective capacity to engage with the many, often competing, demands on our attention is limited. There is endless content being created to either inform or distract us and we simply cannot keep up with all of it.

That being said, this inability to consume everything or simply keep up does not keep us from trying. The majority of us spend at least some of our time online reading the ever-changing news cycle or scrolling our never-ending social media feeds. But what exactly are we seeking, is it actually giving our life meaning, and is there more that we need to explore?

I spent years quietly consuming, I turned to social media to connect with friends and meet other moms early in my own motherhood journey but quickly found myself captivated by the lives of complete strangers. As much as I wanted to look away, there was something about these women that I simply couldn’t ignore.

As much as I wanted to look away, there was something about these women that I simply couldn’t ignore.

While I didn’t know it yet, these women were stirring something inside of me. It took me years to begin to understand what was hiding just out of reach, to unpack what was lingering just below the surface, to be honest with myself about what they had that I secretly wanted.

The combination of our attention seeking economy and our endless online consumption has created a new form of comparison culture; a growing phenomenon in which we compare ourselves to others and are often left feeling inadequate or inferior, less than, not quite enough.

Comparison (noun): an approximation or estimate of the similarities or dissimilarities between two people or things.

Simply put, the more we compare the worse we feel. However, it is nearly impossible to spend time online and not find countless examples of people who have what we want. Simply open your smart phone and you will find infinite women who are prettier, richer, smarter, skinner, and more successful than you. Women who have the perfect house, perfect husband, perfect clothes, and even more perfect kids.

Where as in the past we might have compared ourselves to our next door neighbor or a nearby friend, the vast majority of our comparisons now happen online often without our even realizing it. Our comparisons now span state lines while we never have to leave the ‘comfort’ of our own homes. But unlike your next door neighbor the sound of the un-pictured meltdowns never reach across your yard. We never get the chance to truly connect with these women and therefore never get to understand the whole story.

We only see what they want us to see. And we cannot fully know if what we are being shown is accurate or complete. We assess the qualities and characteristics that are visible, but there is so much more we do not know. For every picture perfect life shown online there is just as much hiding behind the scenes, in fact chances are there is more that we don’t see than what actually meets the eye. Viewed through this lens, it’s easy to feel like we aren’t measuring up or like other women might be farther along than us.

We only see what they want us to see.

Countless women are sharing covetable albeit incomplete pictures of their lives and we are all busy ‘buying’ it either with our money or simply with our attention. The more shocking or extreme the example, the less willing we are to turn away. We rarely pause to consider the impact these images and comparisons have on our own lives and if we do we often chastise ourselves for scrolling and comparing in the first place, rather than questioning what these comparisons might be trying to illuminate within ourselves.

I have always believed that we find ourselves in others, but never really paused to examine how comparison might be trying to unlock something within me. Upon further reflection, I recognized that the women I admired and aspired to be were not the trad wives with homesteading lives, homeschooling their kids in rural America. I had zero interest in churning my own butter the same way I had no desire to DIY my own kitchen cabinets or repaint my own living room despite the fact that I absolutely love design and happen to be in the midst of my own remodel. These were not the images that I was seeking, these were not the accounts reaching out to me.

In fact, I have repeatedly found that the women I return to time and time again, the people I admire most, the people who stir the most comparison (and envy) in me all have one thing. And that one thing might be (and probably is) different for me than it is for you. With time and a bit of self reflection, I realized these women were actually guiding me toward a version of myself I had not yet met. A bit like a personal North Star they were leading me back toward my truest self.

A bit like a personal North Star they were leading me back toward my truest self.

While we are told not to compare ourselves to others, we are not taught how to avoid comparison and never asked to explore what might actually be in it for us. When you find that you are comparing yourself to others, which is incredibly easy to do, I encourage you to dig a little deeper.

Here are two questions I use when I find that I am stuck in a comparison loop:

What do they have that I want?
And am I willing to work to get that thing for myself?

tiffany.madvig

A post shared by @tiffany.madvig

If you are unable to identify what she has that you want and/or unwilling to do the work necessary to get that thing for yourself then my best advice is to unfollow and to stop turning to that person for inspiration. However, if you are able to identify what you want through comparing yourself to them and you are willing to work for it, then my best recommendation is to keep following and use them as motivation to propel your life forward rather than letting mindless comparisons hold you back.

Use them as motivation to propel your life forward rather than letting mindless comparisons hold you back.

Do not mindlessly compare yourself to others. This type of comparison will leave you feeling less than every single time, it will distract you from what matters most. But we must accept that we are comparing ourselves more than ever before and challenge ourselves to dig through those comparisons, to analyze what they are trying to tell us.

What about their life stirs something in you? Is it the number of followers she has or the way she styles her hair? Is it the empire she built or the fact that she bravely shares? Is it because she has 3 kids while you only have two? Has she written multiple books while you refuse to write a single word? Has she launched a successful business while all of your best ideas are trapped inside of your head? Has she quit her corporate career and unlocked the flexibility you secretly crave?

What about her is calling to you?

And perhaps more importantly, what is it that you see lacking within yourself that is making you compare your life to hers? Are you envious of her relationships? Do you covet her career? Her finances? Her clothes? Her kids? All of these things are simply signs pointing towards what you are seeking for yourself.

What is it that you see lacking within yourself that is making you compare your life to hers?

We rarely, if ever, covet everything about someone but there is likely something that captures your attention and this is your first clue. You need to identify what exactly is tugging at your emotions, what is sparking your comparisons, what does she have that you want? Take the focus and attention you are spending on comparing your life to others and turn it around onto yourself. Start making the changes you have identified through comparing your life through their eyes.

It has never been easier to compare ourselves to others, it has never been easier to identify all of the things we might be missing, it has never been easier to hone in on exactly what we desire, but in order to do just that we must seek the answers within ourselves. Your comparisons are likely trying to tell you something. These other women might be giving you important clues on your own path toward self discovery. They might be able to help you unlock your own desires, but you must be brave enough to be honest with yourself about what you find and courageous enough to make the changes she has illuminated. How can we unlock what we need in our own lives but figuring out who we admire and why?

What if your comparison is trying to deliver you back to yourself? What exactly would you do? What would you change within you?

Looking for support? Here are three ways I can support you right now:

Sometimes you need guidance to point you in the right direction until you can unlock it for yourself. Pick a random number between 1-72 then go read that past newsletter which can be found in my archives for some instant guidance. This week I got #14 which is all about success!
Nobody is coming to save you, you must help your self. Download the free Help Your Self workbook designed to kickstart your self-discovery journey.
I help women to know and understand themselves so they can mother from a place of strength. If you have been dreaming about creating a more fulfilling life or you simply need a bit of support, now is your chance to work with me.